Those 3 weeks of waiting for the results were torture. I tried hard not to think about it, but couldnt help myself. My sister pointed out to me the other day that we have been waiting for these results for almost 14 years. To finally know, is HUGE. Joey was amazing through it all. He said he would be happy either way, which confused me at first. Why in the hell would he be happy if I was told that my risk of getting cancer was insanely high? He simply explained, because then we will know, do something about it, and that will be that. OH, and he added he was excited for me to get new boobs and a possible tummy tuck out of the deal....MEN! His positive attitude and humor really did help to keep my spirits up though.
Once again Joey was able to get the day off thanks to his command. I had butterflies in my stomach from the time I woke up that morning. We drove the 45 minutes to Yale after dropping the kiddos off and walked hand in hand back into that building where I would learn my fate. We sat in the waiting room for no more than a couple minutes when Rachel came and got us and took us into another small conference room. She seemed cheery, so of course, I was thinking either A) she was going to tell me I was negative or B) she was trying to stay positive for my sake. This is her job though, telling people their results, and im sure she has done it way too many times. We sat down at the table and she sat acrossed from us. I was shaking, but competly ready. I cant remember exactly what was going through my head, but I thought she might drag it out. NOPE. She said it flat out. So, Gina, we did indeed find that you carry the same genetic mutation that was found in your family. You are BRCA1 positive. I smiled and nodded, I didnt know what else to do. I suddenly felt a tunnel of darkness crowding around me and she sat there and smiled knowingly. I started to cry. Not alot of tears, but those ones that fill up your eyes from immense emotion that you simply cant fight back. I remember Joey grabbing my hand and squeezing it nervously. He asked me if I was alright, and I fought the urge to yell at him and say NO im NOT alright. The first thoughts that came into my head were thoughts of my children, and the now possibility that I gave it to them. I thought of Kora having to go through the same feelings, and the fact that Hayden could now give it to his children. BUT I tried to remember how far research has come from the time my mom was diagnosed until now, and how much more knowledgable we will be 20 years from now.
Then came a flurry of information. Rachel started handing me pamplets and a book with pictures of women who have had masectomys with reconstructive surgery. She told me about a group called FORCE, which stands for "Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered". Also another group called Bright Pink for high risk young women. I was also asked if I would like to be included in an email chain of women who have either been through my situation or have had cancer. I just sat there and tried to take it all in and nod and fight back more tears. I dont think I have EVER felt that overwhelmed in my entire life. Joey sat next to me, squeezing my hand and shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He seemed perfectly fine, but he likes to put on that face whenever things get uncomfortable. The next step was to talk about going to see a breast surgeon and she wrote down a couple names she reccommended there at Yale. It finally was all so real, and basicly I felt like I now had a stamp on my forehead that read BRCA1 positive. I was in fact a newly diagnosed HOT PINK MUTANT.
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