Where to start.....

I wanted to write this blog to allow family and friends to follow me on my new journey as a "previvor". There is nowhere else to start, but from the beginning. It all goes back to a single moment, a very long time ago. I was about 6 years old, standing in the kitchen with my sister, when our mother explained to us that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Of course I could tell she was upset, but had no idea what would follow in the months and years to come.
I remember bits and pieces, but there are things that stick out in my mind the most. I remember when she was on chemo and started losing her hair, I was the one who she let shave her head. I remember her always being sick, but having a smile on her face. Being a hairdresser she could rock a wig or hat like no ones business! She made the whole thing seem like no big deal, or at least to me it didnt. She ended up having her left breast removed and I still remember going to fetch her "boob" that she would stick in her bra to make her look normal.
When she was in remission, she became pregnant with my little brother RJ. I will never forget her happiness in the fact that she was able to give my step-dad, Randy, a son. Unfortunatly during her pregnancy they learned that the cancer had come back, and this time it was in the bone marrow in her spine. They moved a hospital bed into our living room where she remained for the rest of the pregnancy because of the pain caused when she moved. After she had RJ, we took a trip to Ocean Shores and to Seattle where we found an apartment for while my mom was going through treatment at Fred Hutchison Cancer Research Center.
Most things are blurry after that. I remember people would go over and help care for her when Randy couldnt get off of work. We had so much support from family and friends. People from church would bring us meals and watch my sister, brother and I. Once I was able to go over to Seattle by bus and take care of my mom. It was pretty rough. She was sick with a cold at the time, which for someone with such a low immune system, is a very scary thing. I loved spending the time with my her all to myself. I cooked for her, we would take walks to her doctor appointments, and she let me rollerblade in the courtyard of the apartment where I met other kids with moms going through treatment as well. I was only 10/11 at the time so I look back to how oblivious I was to the intensity of it all. Im not clear on the whole process, but I remember mom having to go through a first and then second bone marrow transplant.
This now put me at 12 years old and in 6th grade. My mom was finally in remission and was back home for good. Things were getting back to normal when I remember her in bed for days in extreme pain from her stomach. At first it was just her gall bladder and they ended up removing it, but when the pain continued, they knew something else was wrong. Then came the moment that forever changed my life. I came home from school and went into my mom's bedroom to see her. She called me onto the bed with her and held me tight. She was crying. I remember I started to cry too, I just knew. She explained to me that the cancer had spread to her liver, and at that point there was nothing doctors could do. She somehow turned it into a positive and explained to me that her dying would provide money so that I could finally have braces to fix my teeth. She was excited! I will never forget that moment and how it felt to be in her arms as we cried about losing each other.
The doctors said she had about a month left before the cancer would take over. We all sat in the living room a few days later as they explained everything to us. She wanted to be at home, so they set up a make shift hospital room in the addition to our home that was supposed to be her beauty salon someday. They explained how Hospice would be there to help care for her. The most amazing thing about my mother was her selflessness. Im sure she was scared amongst a million other emotions, but she spent the following days inviting family and friends over to take her posessions. Clothes, jewelry, anything they had given to her, she gave back to them. Now that I have children I cannot even fathom to know how she felt about leaving my brother, who at the time was 2 years old. We have pictures of him sitting on the bed with her, both of them bald and smiling. The couple of weeks following are a blur of sounds and smells. Of course I sometimes wish I could erase the memories of my mom's quickly fading body out of my head. But if I did that, I would forget the moment where she called me to her side and told me of a dream she had the night before. She explained that angels had come to her and told her that everything was going to be ok, she was soon going to be with God and he would take care of her. This was so immensly comforting. I was young, but understood where my mom was going after she left us, and most importantly, knew she would no longer be in pain.
On the morning of the 21st of May 1997, I could hear Randy on the phone early in the morning. She had left us at 3 am to go be with those angels. I remember going in and seeing her lifeless body and kissing her hand. Strangely I dont remember crying, just feeling numb. I even went to school that day. The night before we had said our final goodbyes, because we knew the cancer had completly taken over. She couldnt respond, but we knew she could hear us. Looking back I remember lying in bed crying myself to sleep at night. Sad that my mom would never get to have her dream of opening her own salon. Sad that she wouldnt get to see RJ grow. Sad that she didnt get to see me evolve from a little girl into a women. Now when I think of her, my sadness has subsided into greatfullness. She was such an amazingly strong women, I honestly believe in those short 12 years she was able to mold me into who I am today. She has given me the strength and courage to be proactive not only for myself, but for my family and friends.